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Dear medical students, what does white coat represents? Is it something that presumes greatness and authority? Or is it just a coat that doctors are compulsory to wear for clinical rotations? This may sounds ridiculous to some people out there, but I really do not like wearing my medical coat. Not every time, but most of the time. I am an imposter in a white coat, masquerader, impersonator or whatever you can call that. I am not so sure if any of my friends know this yet, I hope I am good at hiding it or should I say, it is a well-kept secret amongst some of the medical students that I have known. When we are having classes in the hospital, I am at the bottom. I know the least and have the least power. Most patients do not realize this. Sometimes, I admit that I may seem to play it off well. I fooled them all! But when the Professor asks me a basic question during rounds, and I’m back at baseline thinking I am useless, stupid and incompetent once again.
Back to my statement: I don’t like to wear my medical coat. It’s not because I am afraid to get patient’s blood stains, urine or whatever you can spill on your medical coat or because of being too lazy to clean my medical coat. It is because I literally feel like I do not deserve to wear something that presumes such greatness and authority. For what I have heard from the rounds/cycles I’ve been through with all these Russians Professor/elective posting’s doctors, it is an absolute forbidden thing for medical officers/students to bring disappointment to the society. Every medical student is pretending to be smarter than they are and less stressed than they really are. I know this to be true because I am guilty of this. I’ve been faking it till I make it since the beginning of time. It is super contagious, and it’s first-rate toxic.
Why are we even thinking of putting ourselves through this misery? For me, it is because of unrealistic expectations of perfection. We are used to achieving and striving to be the best at what we do, whether it is academics, music, sports, art, or anything you are getting yourself into. You want to be the best among the best. Our sense of confidence and happiness depend fully on the results. From the beginning, we have been drilled to succeed and rewarded for our achievements. That is how we got here to begin with. Some of us are so used to success, that we don’t know how to cope up with failure, especially when you are having your “first-ever-failure” in medical school. It’s easy to get lost in our self-destructive thoughts: “I’m not good enough for this. I don’t deserve to be here. Why did I ever choose medicine? Why is (insert name) so much better at every exams than me? Why did (insert name) get a higher mark in that Therapy exam than me even though I studied so much longer? Why (insert name) can get the exemption from these difficult exams even though we studied at the same pace?” You can tell how vicious this process of thinking can get. I know, because I have been through this.
You are not alone. I’m just as insecure about my abilities as the rest of you despite my determined attempts at hiding it. I hope that one day; I do not have to pretend anymore. I hope that I will stop comparing myself to other “more competent” people. I genuinely try to feel happy for them, and part of me truly is proud, but there is always this other side of me that feels jealous and ashamed. I focus on the positive things in my life and seek for God’s guidance. I enjoy doing music, singing, watching some good movies etc. Do not get me wrong, I am still studying, but I am not obsessed about it anymore.
When I put on my white coat, I think about how privileged I am to have this incredible opportunity to do so. Instead of feeling stupid after not knowing an answer, I think of it as a positive learning. Well, I would not be here studying if I know all the answers, right? You have learned something, yet it always feels at first as if you had lost something. Give the world the best you have and the best will come back to you. Live each moment of your dream, your goal, with passion. Do not let your conviction and motivation die when the going gets tough. Bounce higher with every fall, aim for the impossible, and remember: you can change your destiny.
Dr D’Dyanna Lajamin was a 4th year Sabahan medical student currently studying in Kursk State Medical University, Russia when she wrote this article. Know more about her under the Young Columnist tab.